Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
