Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
