When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
