Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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