You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
