I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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