But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You're a waste of cheezeits
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
