I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
