yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
