i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
