is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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