ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
