I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
