I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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