I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
