dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
