It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
