I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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