woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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