The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
