I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
