I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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