If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
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