I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
