did you get engaged???
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
