I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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