I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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