Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
