I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
