so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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