Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
