My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
