there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
