We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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