I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
