Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
