You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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