I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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