I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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