There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
FUCK WHALES
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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