i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
