There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
