I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
