Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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