Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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