The maid of honor just puked.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
