i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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