This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
