Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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