I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
